Agency in spirit (rambling thoughtspill)
Sep. 1st, 2014 06:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zeeth_kyrahOtherkin will know this one: I'm not just a dragon. It took time to come out (as these things do when suppressed), as the one BIG thing had to come out first and covered up all the other stuff for a while. I'm also a horse -- actually a unicorn (the wings are a convenience). And an elf. And still sort of metheow (I think). And I'm not sure what all else.
Still otherkin. Still fantastical. Still just as annoyingly real. Letting it out helps a lot. Being able to shapeshift helps a lot. (Spirit ability, not physical. Still helps.) Not that you can tell from the outside without the Sight to show you (or are watching my physical movements and behavior patterns carefully). But there it is.
You know what really sucks in my life? Not having the agency to figure this stuff out without doing a lot of emotional and spiritual battle. You know what sucks more? Not having the agency to stand up for myself and be respected for it.
So I had to take it, not let it be handed to me, because the handing-out of agency doesn't happen when it's sourced in abuse -- abuse based on a person not wanting to do what they're told just because they were told to; I knew what that pattern would lead to, and I balked and bucked until it stopped. Call it the conflict model of spirituality... just trust me, you do not want to follow a god (or a parent) who abuses you. The outcome is never good. Walk away if you can.
Just as bad: seeing people still walking into the trap, and knowing that helping them will also hurt them. Not everyone is hurt or used in the same way. Not everyone regrets wanting in.
I don't regret my time in, only that I did things I am not proud of in order to achieve a goal that should not have taken nearly so much time or effort. Because I chose to subvert my own agency in order to "let the children learn" (meaning younger souls) and ultimately I let them teach themselves bad things. So. Time to get my inner house in order, and step up... or walk away entirely. I'm borderline on that, and probably will be until my incarnate life improves or ends.
Diana told me this morning (while I slept) that she wishes I could have done this earlier. I agree. I should probably have stood up and announced myself properly about a hundred years ago, shortly after my soul was cut to ribbons and a quarter of it stolen. That was when everything went bad, as certain beings tried to prevent the crystallization of the draconic soul alloy with Earth (or at least, as far as I know that's why it happened).
We could have had amazing social and technological leaps far earlier. You don't lose agency, you gain advisors and Family who are happy to help you and everyone you love enter a better path.
And maybe we could have avoided such intense global warming by learning as humans to clean up after ourselves a lot better. The Earth can't absorb everything we dump into her, and we've been dumping into the places we grow and harvest our food and resources. Not good.
I don't know how I should end this post. So I'll just stop here.
Still otherkin. Still fantastical. Still just as annoyingly real. Letting it out helps a lot. Being able to shapeshift helps a lot. (Spirit ability, not physical. Still helps.) Not that you can tell from the outside without the Sight to show you (or are watching my physical movements and behavior patterns carefully). But there it is.
You know what really sucks in my life? Not having the agency to figure this stuff out without doing a lot of emotional and spiritual battle. You know what sucks more? Not having the agency to stand up for myself and be respected for it.
So I had to take it, not let it be handed to me, because the handing-out of agency doesn't happen when it's sourced in abuse -- abuse based on a person not wanting to do what they're told just because they were told to; I knew what that pattern would lead to, and I balked and bucked until it stopped. Call it the conflict model of spirituality... just trust me, you do not want to follow a god (or a parent) who abuses you. The outcome is never good. Walk away if you can.
Just as bad: seeing people still walking into the trap, and knowing that helping them will also hurt them. Not everyone is hurt or used in the same way. Not everyone regrets wanting in.
I don't regret my time in, only that I did things I am not proud of in order to achieve a goal that should not have taken nearly so much time or effort. Because I chose to subvert my own agency in order to "let the children learn" (meaning younger souls) and ultimately I let them teach themselves bad things. So. Time to get my inner house in order, and step up... or walk away entirely. I'm borderline on that, and probably will be until my incarnate life improves or ends.
Diana told me this morning (while I slept) that she wishes I could have done this earlier. I agree. I should probably have stood up and announced myself properly about a hundred years ago, shortly after my soul was cut to ribbons and a quarter of it stolen. That was when everything went bad, as certain beings tried to prevent the crystallization of the draconic soul alloy with Earth (or at least, as far as I know that's why it happened).
We could have had amazing social and technological leaps far earlier. You don't lose agency, you gain advisors and Family who are happy to help you and everyone you love enter a better path.
And maybe we could have avoided such intense global warming by learning as humans to clean up after ourselves a lot better. The Earth can't absorb everything we dump into her, and we've been dumping into the places we grow and harvest our food and resources. Not good.
I don't know how I should end this post. So I'll just stop here.
