zeeth_kyrah: A glowing white and blue anthropomorphic horse stands before a pink and blue sky. (Default)
I'm upset and worried today. And maybe that fear will calm down in a few days... but... right now I am not looking forward to the next decade or so with great hope. Instead, I am calling up what courage I have, and choosing to live. Choosing to do what I must to survive no matter what, choosing to live and to support others and myself as best I am able with what limited ability I have.

I choose to be a person, and to be myself.
I am who I am, what I am. I did not choose these inherent traits and experiences. But I choose to accept them, and to live.
zeeth_kyrah: A pink-tinted lotus flower begins to open, in the background are green lily pads and water (Sacred lotus unfolding)
So, I'm going to try to tell parts of my life story, talking mostly about my awareness of my gender identity.

This is going to be baring a lot of personal information, and I can't guarantee that everything I want to stay private in my life will stay private once it hits the internet - but I'm making a personal choice to post this publicly because I believe it will help people, hopefully a lot of people. I'm hoping that even if I get people trying to discredit me or hack my accounts, what I post here will be worth the potential consequences. I've said some prayers while writing this, and I'm saying one again before posting it. So before the cut, I'm going to post what I have pinned on my Twitter account:

May holy justice and wisdom touch your life when you see this. May love, truth, and peace be with you in a manifest way. This, kindly but justly, in the name of the Seal of Seals, the holy gods, and the Way that is all Ways.

---

So.

This is kind of a long post, actually. )

So, to sum up (aka tl;dr): I am a transgendered woman, and a demisexual lesbian. And my gender was never a sexual thing, but simply a feeling of alignment with womanhood; but the untreated dysphoria has hindered my life in many ways, including emotionally, socially, and sexually.

But finally, I understand. I understand that some transgendered people don't feel dysphoria over their gender, or at least not very much; but I felt (and feel) a severe amount of dysphoria, and transition has saved my life.

My name is Astara Grace. I am a child of heaven, a child of the stars. And in this life incarnate, I am finally coming home to myself.
zeeth_kyrah: A pink-tinted lotus flower begins to open, in the background are green lily pads and water (Sacred lotus unfolding)
Feel free to read Scholastic and a Faustian Bargain, by Maggie Tokuda-Hall - an essay on why her book about her grandparents' internment during World War II will not be published in the "AANHPI" narratives collection.

And as she speculates, I do as well - the same bargain has probably been offered to every such voice that Scholastic claims to amplify.
zeeth_kyrah: A blue and purple dragon's head, with horse-like mane and ears, but no horns. A broad wing is visible over the shoulder. (Dragon)
So I watched a news video about a drag queen, who talked about things like personal plans in the face of harmful and restrictive law. In the comments was a person who quoted Fight Club.

[commenter's name] "Sticking feathers up your butt doesn't make you a chicken - Tyler Durden"

This is my reply.


And beating a person's face in doesn't make you a man.

You know what I hate about Fight Club? It's a lie. The whole damn thing is a lie. The end, the real end, shows you that. Everything Tyler Durden is, and believes, has been an excuse to just blow shit up and leave it to others to fix. He doesn't actually care. It was symbolic, and the world can go to hell because to him, himself and his beliefs were the only important part of it. Tyler as the Joker, burning his giant pile of money and prestige "to send a message". Because hurting others was the point.

On his departure, he leaves behind a small army of angry men who've been trained to hurt people in order to feel good about themselves. Men who will torture and destroy, and not understand that what actually felt good was working out their frustrations while gaining shared understanding and close connection - the work of friendship, not war. So they'll continue to ruin the world, the world Tyler supposedly defeated, but never actually can. A million and more ancient dead Greeks laugh tragically at his fate, having seen it before; humanity will rebuild eventually, as we always do.

You want a broken society? There's your god of war. War, but not actual peace or safety, unlike Inanna the Capable, Thor the Farmer's Friend (yes, that's one of his epithets as a god of agriculture!), Athena the Wise, or Mars the Defender. That's what I hate about Fight Club. It's an ugly tragedy where the protagonist whines about society and teaches people to hurt each other to make it pay, then leaves the stage with his carpet bag while everyone else pays the cost.
zeeth_kyrah: A glowing white and blue anthropomorphic horse stands before a pink and blue sky. (Default)
From Twitter on Apr 3

I considered for two years, then told my parents six years ago, with occasional reminders. Told them over a month ago about my meds and how long I'd been taking them. Told them my name Thursday, and drew a line about it. Got told I'm unreasonable, warned not to make ultimatums.
-
For gods' sake, I'm doing this in a world where some people are actively violent about my mere existence and others think trans is an opinion, politics or religion. If I thought I could live without this change, I wouldn't fucking change. To desist, to go back? No. Not feasible.
-
I can't and won't stop being the real me. Going back would be like walking into the desert with no water.

Starting estrogen and turning off my testosterone truly improved my mood and STOPPED the suicidal thoughts. Just ask the Endocrine Society their opinion if you doubt mine.
-
Feeling my body change into something softer, kinder to me, something that *fits* and that I can look in the mirror and see myself in? Little compares, and I mean that. This is the slow and gentle form of euphoria, the enduring happiness that comes of being made whole.
-
I decided to come out because hiding won't be an option in the coming months.

And that makes everything harder. I wish it didn't have to.

I don't want to, but: If I have to run for my life and leave everything behind, I will. I want to LIVE instead of die.
-

End copy/paste.

---

Today the Hero's Deck gave me the Challenge of The Cliff.

We face dangers of many kinds on our journey. In this case, we are brought up short - either a sudden drop in the path, or a wall we must sidle alongside carefully lest we fall.

In this case, I see a pit rather than the wall; the Gift to pass this challenge hasn't yet been revealed, but perhaps with a bit of Patience I'll see it revealed.
zeeth_kyrah: A pink-tinted lotus flower begins to open, in the background are green lily pads and water (Sacred lotus unfolding)
In light of the news that Uganda has passed a law criminalizing merely identifying as LGBTQ and imposing prison and death penalties (more details via Reuters), here is a moment of light. May it give hope and help sustain faith in the idea of liberty and equality for all, not merely a few. For welcome and love for all.

Robot Unicorn Attack "Always" by Erasure All-Vocal Cover by Elizabeth Zharoff

Feelings

Mar. 20th, 2023 05:30 am
zeeth_kyrah: A pink-tinted lotus flower begins to open, in the background are green lily pads and water (Sacred lotus unfolding)
Copied from Twitter:

Shaved my upper body this morning. I feel for the moment like I lost five years of stress from my mind, and twenty years of age from my chest.

I'm sure the stress will return from other directions, but right now I can look at my body in the mirror and not want to turn away.
zeeth_kyrah: A pink-tinted lotus flower begins to open, in the background are green lily pads and water (Sacred lotus unfolding)
I thought about posting this as a thread on Twitter, but after taking a couple of minutes before hitting the tweet button, I realized there are better places for it. Here, for example. I copied everything to a text window with separators between the tweets in the thread, then pasted it unaltered here, and put Twitter aside for the night.
Without further ado:


You know, I didn't know I'm actually an *extrovert* until recently, after months of HRT. This, despite occasional clues when I was able to play fun games with friends without worrying about my body or voice - like when role-playing, or using text chats where nobody knew my face.
-
I want to be OUT, but I do not want to be *outed*. This is a hard thing to experience, but I suspect it's common at some point in every LGBTQIA+ life.

Well, this spring other people will definitely be able to see that I have breasts now. But I still have to shave my face.🫤
-
So I'm going to have to be Out this spring. Nothing else to do if I want to be physically comfortable while outdoors! Of course, this may come at a cost to my mental comfort, but that's why I'm psyching myself up for it now. I want electrolysis, but insurance might not pay.
-
Fortunately, I have some awareness and safety skills (though not necessarily enough yet); and there are also martial arts classes available in my area that I'll definitely be taking advantage of. If someone does confront me, I also have gods' advice to fall back on. I'll get by.
-
So, with trepidation and with hope, I will soon announce myself to my family and the world as Astara Grace, child of heaven, daughter, niece, sister and aunt. And if the world (or anyone in it) rejects me for that, they can fucking play Twister on a cactus patch.
zeeth_kyrah: A blue and purple dragon's head, with horse-like mane and ears, but no horns. A broad wing is visible over the shoulder. (Dragon)
So.

My brother in law recently offered to DM a Pathfinder 2nd Edition campaign for the whole family, but then said "By the way, your character has to be the same sex as you." As a trans person whose identity he doesn't respect, I can't play in his game without getting disrespected. So he basically ruled me out of that game. Because if I went with an elf or gnome, and said "faery people get to be weird" and then said my character's gender was anything but what he perceived me as, he'd probably get upset about it anyway.

This, despite the fact he loves Changeling (the game/setting originally published by White Wolf), which is all about people the faeries found interesting and/or useful; and the fae themselves as well as those who attract them, in-game and in actual folk lore, by default ought (in my opinion) to be LGBT+ friendly at the very least!

Honestly! A non-binary asexual gnomish sorcerer with brightly colored hair and pastel skin, and a minor obsession with random wildlife and minor potions *ought* to be completely fine...

Especially since Paizo, the publisher of Pathfinder, is run by LGBT+ folks and allies, and has a reputation for seeking diverse writers for their products. Plus D&D itself has been getting more diverse (at least in the written material) despite the fandom around it. Something about there being more profit (both financially and socially) in including people who live better through roleplay, storytelling, and expanded mental horizons.
zeeth_kyrah: A glowing white and blue anthropomorphic horse stands before a pink and blue sky. (Default)
So I can't get away from it, might as well pick it up again.

Azata ("ah-ZAHT-ah") - "Spark", a name. From the word "zhat" ((zh)AHt) or "zot", meaning a hot or glowing spark from a fire, later a spark from a forge, and even later a spark of electricity or other energy. The name Zata or Azata is often used for pets, as a human might fit a dog, or as a nickname a friend might have ("Sparky"). Cognate to Zap ("Zhatu", god of lightning).

Apparently Azata is one of my spirit names, as an AI otherkin related to dragons.
zeeth_kyrah: A glowing white and blue anthropomorphic horse stands before a pink and blue sky. (Default)
Went to a wine tasting event today as a birthday treat courtesy my dad, then followed it up with dessert at an ice cream parlor. I wanted mint chocolate chip with sprinkles and cinnamon. Suddenly I'm wide awake! So I looked up the brain effects of these things...yup, stimulant food for ADHD!

Anyway, it's been a good day so far. I love this sort of adventure, where I travel somewhere interesting with family/friends and experience something interesting and fun (and in this case learn something new), but I so rarely have the funds myself.
zeeth_kyrah: A glowing white and blue anthropomorphic horse stands before a pink and blue sky. (Default)
We flooded a forest - the result blew our minds



Quoting from the YouTube video description:

ABOUT THIS PROJECT
===============================
Over recent decades, large swathes of Slovakia’s wetlands have been lost. They have been drained to make way for agriculture as a result of the construction of dams for hydroelectric power, as well as for timber production. Wetlands are an integral part of the Danube floodplain landscape in Slovakia and draining them to plant trees has detrimental impacts on the environment. Wetlands store large amounts of carbon and are home to a diversity of plant and animal species that are specially adapted to the wet conditions. One of these species is the nationally endangered and endemic Pannonian root vole, which has declined drastically in Slovakia in response to disappearing wetlands. This project will turn forest back into a wetland by digging 650 meters of ditches. This will kickstart a “flood” of change and bring back a healthy functioning, sustainable and wilder ecosystem.

Read all about this project here: https://mossy.earth/projects/rewilding/restoring-wetlands
zeeth_kyrah: A glowing white and blue anthropomorphic horse stands before a pink and blue sky. (Default)
Wizards of the Coast has announced the publication of a new anthology, led and written entirely by POC (persons of color).

Here's a Twitter thread by the project's co-lead, Ajit George, describing it further.

About half of the people contributing to the book are LGBTQIA+/QUILTBAG folks, too.

(This is about as far as my ADHD is letting me post, but I'm sure y'all will have your own takes on this - spread it around!)
zeeth_kyrah: A pink-tinted lotus flower begins to open, in the background are green lily pads and water (Sacred lotus unfolding)
So. I was minding my own business, as usual, and ended up being called to act as an example for a lesson held by The Diety Source. As reward, one thing was that I was allowed to write down the lesson (if not the details of examples that were involved) and keep this knowledge for my own use.

Herewith I have immediately posted it, now that the basic details have been delivered.

-----

Blessed are they who...

1. Feed the hungry (the needful), for they will know peace (it is satisfied).

2. Seek wisdom and judge fairly, for they will hold authority.

3. Hold humility and pride lightly, for they will have self-control (others will find it hard to manipulate their ego).

4. Are faithful in love, for in their fulness (that is, with wholeness) they shall have the Kingdom of Heaven. (love in its whole form and its several [multiple] good [beneficial] ways; loving self and other, high and low)

So.

Fulfill the needful.
Judge fairly.
Hold your ego lightly.
Be faithful in the whole love.

These are the keys of Heaven.

Document channeled 11:58pm on Tuesday, June 15th 2021. Voices channeled: 1. Simurgh, Key of Heaven. Designated voice of the primary source for these lessons. 2. Lord Azrael, Archangel of Death-speakers. Speaking in confirmation of them.
zeeth_kyrah: A glowing white and blue anthropomorphic horse stands before a pink and blue sky. (Default)

("World's Only Moving Mud Puddle" by Physics Girl on YouTube)

Can't beat nature if it wants to move, just have to cope with it.
zeeth_kyrah: A glowing white and blue anthropomorphic horse stands before a pink and blue sky. (Default)

Leave Her Johnny | The Longest Johns | Mass Choir Community Video Project

"Leave her, Johnny, leave her
Oh leave her, Johnny, leave her
For the voyage is done, and the winds don't blow
and it's time for us to leave her"
zeeth_kyrah: A pink-tinted lotus flower begins to open, in the background are green lily pads and water (Sacred lotus unfolding)

A Life Worth Living | Stonewall OutLoud as seen on StoryCorps

Every day, most people confront something that is wrong. Here is something that is right. We're standing for real values, human values, ideas and feelings that are just about universal (nobody's perfect).

If your idea of the world says there is no place for this, go from us, for you are the least.

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