zeeth_kyrah

I'm upset and worried today. And maybe that fear will calm down in a few days... but... right now I am not looking forward to the next decade or so with great hope. Instead, I am calling up what courage I have, and choosing to live. Choosing to do what I must to survive no matter what, choosing to live and to support others and myself as best I am able with what limited ability I have.

I choose to be a person, and to be myself.
I am who I am, what I am. I did not choose these inherent traits and experiences. But I choose to accept them, and to live.

Feel free to read Scholastic and a Faustian Bargain, by Maggie Tokuda-Hall - an essay on why her book about her grandparents' internment during World War II will not be published in the "AANHPI" narratives collection.

And as she speculates, I do as well - the same bargain has probably been offered to every such voice that Scholastic claims to amplify.

From Twitter on Apr 3

I considered for two years, then told my parents six years ago, with occasional reminders. Told them over a month ago about my meds and how long I'd been taking them. Told them my name Thursday, and drew a line about it. Got told I'm unreasonable, warned not to make ultimatums.
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For gods' sake, I'm doing this in a world where some people are actively violent about my mere existence and others think trans is an opinion, politics or religion. If I thought I could live without this change, I wouldn't fucking change. To desist, to go back? No. Not feasible.
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I can't and won't stop being the real me. Going back would be like walking into the desert with no water.

Starting estrogen and turning off my testosterone truly improved my mood and STOPPED the suicidal thoughts. Just ask the Endocrine Society their opinion if you doubt mine.
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Feeling my body change into something softer, kinder to me, something that *fits* and that I can look in the mirror and see myself in? Little compares, and I mean that. This is the slow and gentle form of euphoria, the enduring happiness that comes of being made whole.
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I decided to come out because hiding won't be an option in the coming months.

And that makes everything harder. I wish it didn't have to.

I don't want to, but: If I have to run for my life and leave everything behind, I will. I want to LIVE instead of die.
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End copy/paste.

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Today the Hero's Deck gave me the Challenge of The Cliff.

We face dangers of many kinds on our journey. In this case, we are brought up short - either a sudden drop in the path, or a wall we must sidle alongside carefully lest we fall.

In this case, I see a pit rather than the wall; the Gift to pass this challenge hasn't yet been revealed, but perhaps with a bit of Patience I'll see it revealed.

Copied from Twitter:

Shaved my upper body this morning. I feel for the moment like I lost five years of stress from my mind, and twenty years of age from my chest.

I'm sure the stress will return from other directions, but right now I can look at my body in the mirror and not want to turn away.

So.

My brother in law recently offered to DM a Pathfinder 2nd Edition campaign for the whole family, but then said "By the way, your character has to be the same sex as you." As a trans person whose identity he doesn't respect, I can't play in his game without getting disrespected. So he basically ruled me out of that game. Because if I went with an elf or gnome, and said "faery people get to be weird" and then said my character's gender was anything but what he perceived me as, he'd probably get upset about it anyway.

This, despite the fact he loves Changeling (the game/setting originally published by White Wolf), which is all about people the faeries found interesting and/or useful; and the fae themselves as well as those who attract them, in-game and in actual folk lore, by default ought (in my opinion) to be LGBT+ friendly at the very least!

Honestly! A non-binary asexual gnomish sorcerer with brightly colored hair and pastel skin, and a minor obsession with random wildlife and minor potions *ought* to be completely fine...

Especially since Paizo, the publisher of Pathfinder, is run by LGBT+ folks and allies, and has a reputation for seeking diverse writers for their products. Plus D&D itself has been getting more diverse (at least in the written material) despite the fandom around it. Something about there being more profit (both financially and socially) in including people who live better through roleplay, storytelling, and expanded mental horizons.

Went to a wine tasting event today as a birthday treat courtesy my dad, then followed it up with dessert at an ice cream parlor. I wanted mint chocolate chip with sprinkles and cinnamon. Suddenly I'm wide awake! So I looked up the brain effects of these things...yup, stimulant food for ADHD!

Anyway, it's been a good day so far. I love this sort of adventure, where I travel somewhere interesting with family/friends and experience something interesting and fun (and in this case learn something new), but I so rarely have the funds myself.

Wizards of the Coast has announced the publication of a new anthology, led and written entirely by POC (persons of color).

Here's a Twitter thread by the project's co-lead, Ajit George, describing it further.

About half of the people contributing to the book are LGBTQIA+/QUILTBAG folks, too.

(This is about as far as my ADHD is letting me post, but I'm sure y'all will have your own takes on this - spread it around!)

("World's Only Moving Mud Puddle" by Physics Girl on YouTube)

Can't beat nature if it wants to move, just have to cope with it.

Leave Her Johnny | The Longest Johns | Mass Choir Community Video Project

"Leave her, Johnny, leave her
Oh leave her, Johnny, leave her
For the voyage is done, and the winds don't blow
and it's time for us to leave her"

Welp. Apple gave in to the insecurity crowd.
Your Computer Isn't Yours